I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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