WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
