**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
