and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
