Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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