i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
