I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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