I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
