Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Randomize