Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
