I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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