By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
