Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize