dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
