grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
