I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My feet surprised me
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
