You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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