tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
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