I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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