I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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