dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
