i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
