Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize