Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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