I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Randomize
