Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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