Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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