fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize