Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
