I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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