i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Found your dick twin last night
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize