well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
