Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
