I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
