Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
