i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
