My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
