Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
