i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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