Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
