i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
