every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
