I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
