Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
