4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
