It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
