you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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