Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize