Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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