i wish my penis had a tongue
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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