Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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