Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
