I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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