His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
