i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
