Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
