How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
