Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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