haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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