Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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