I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
