Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
