Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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