Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
