could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
